Learning From Your Trials

Ok, so I haven't updated in a long, long time. I've had a LOT going on. I've started a photo blog that...actually has been getting a lot of hits which is exciting. But, that is not what this update is about. It's about trials.

Now when I was young I use to dream of perfect lives, fresh cut flowers, beautiful happy families, no worries, no crying, beautiful dresses, amazing vacations, and family around forever. We all know these exist, but not all at the same time. No ones life is perfect. I was almost four and I didn't know better, but that's when those dreams went on the wayside.

I know that early on not everyone learns how hard life can be but I did, and I still am. I also learned how beautiful life can be when you learn from those trials, and I'm still learning that too.

You see when little girls were going to daddy daughter dances I was staying home wondering why my Dad wasn't around to take me. When other little girls were going on vacations to Disneyland or Hawaii, I was going on Vacation to Grandma and Grandpa's house because that's all we could afford. When other little girls were having no worries and living in a perfect world, I was worrying about money, food, and clothes. When other little girls were playing dress up, I couldn't because we couldn't afford extra clothes. When other little girls dreamed of huge amazing out of this world to numerous to count Christmas mornings I was worried that my Mom might have spent to much money on me.

I could probably list a hundred of those comparisons but I think you get the picture. The happy fairytale childhood is not something I got, but surprisingly I am grateful for that. It would have been pretty amazing to have a fairytale childhood and have big Thanksgiving dinners, to many dresses to count, but I'm not sure that's the childhood I would have wanted. I mean yes, it would have been beautiful, but it wouldn't have prepared me for later years in my life. If I hadn't worried about money when I was younger I wouldn't know now how to pinch pennies and go without. If I had gotten to go to Disneyland and Hawaii every year, would I have learned the value of my family and all that family can teach me? If I didn't have to learn how to cook by a very young age and not just rely on going out to eat would I know how to feed a family on just a few bucks now?

You know, when I was 14 my Grandma passed away. I thought it was the end of the world. My Grandma was my world, she's the one who taught me how to play board games, she taught me to save for just a few pieces of beautiful jewelry rather than having a ton of fake things, she taught me to laugh, we watched Jeopardy together, she called every single week that I can remember, she always took me shopping when I visited her, we made nachos together, she was one of my best friends in the entire world.

I still miss those board games, shopping trips, homemade nachos, and those phone calls, oh how I miss those phone calls. I would give almost anything for a phone call from her right now. I have learned though that even though she's not here to do those things with me I have the memories with me every single minute of my life.

Tonight I found out that my Grandpa only has about 5-7 days left to live. From the time I was probably about five I have spent a lot of my time with him. You see, he was my "Dad" that I told things to. He taught me to be handy and to always give to others. He taught me to make bread in the bread maker. He taught me to love what I have. He gave me my first fudge soda that I now crave with ever peanut butter sandwich because that what it always came with. He taught me service and that giving is always better than receiving. I learned from him how a man should treat a woman. Through watching him I saw how an eternal marriage is. He is one of the most Christ-like people I know. He has always been one of the most important people in my life. He's been an anchor, a life line, a friend, a teacher, and an amazing role model. Every free day I had I'd go and see him. Growing up, on my birthdays all I wanted was to go to my Grandpa's. I didn't care about presents (but I did love the cards he gave which always had a check:)) I love his hugs. I love getting to see him every time I can and right now I'm just realizing it's going to stop. Just like that. I won't get to feel his warm embrace or hear his stories from when he was young. I won't just get to sit and watch tv with him anymore. With all the pain and anguish I'm feeling right now I know that some time down the metaphorical road of life I will again feel ok and be able to remember everything about him without crying for a few hours. So tomorrow I'm driving to go see him again. The nurses say he's just sleeping a lot and doesn't really know who's there, but I know he knows. I know I'll see him again and I'll forever know that he loves me.

So where does all this fit in with the trials? Well, some people would say that family members dying is just a fact of life and it's not a trial. But lately I've had to learn how to go on without something or someone. My brother unexpectedly went to prison for 8 years and yeah, I know what you think. No one unexpectedly goes to prison, but he was the ONLY one who knew what he had done wrong. For me it was literally "he was in the next room and then the police took him away from me to never see without glass between us again." If you knew me you'd know how much family means to me and this caused a lot of anguish. The person I knew one day was someone completely different the next. But in a few very short days I learned complete forgiveness. I learned I have no room in my heart for revenge, hate, or judgments. Anyone who knows me knows how much my family dogs mean to me. Well we lost one of our dogs in October, we'd had her since the day she was born and her "mommy" passed away December '09, last Friday we lost our German Shepard/Husky who was the best dog, friend, and freak that brought tons of laughter there ever was. I mean ever. I guess all this loss has prepared me for a loss I never thought I could live through, but some how I know I'll get by. I now know that all I have to do is hand over my problems to my Father in Heaven and have faith that all will work out. I think I've learned more about faith in these last six months than in the rest of my entire life and I'm grateful for it. I am grateful that I know how to recognize the fact that I've gained more faith. If I didn't have faith how would I get through life? I have absolutely no idea.