Nothing but Everything on my mind.

So I kind of told myself I would write here everyday. I know it won't happen because I do go out of town quite a bit, but I can at least try until that day comes. I did not set any goals like "every blog must be long" or "I must have a plot to every blog" I mean...what's the fun in that, right? Sometimes our thoughts really just don't have a plot. Kind of like when you were young and your mom would ask "What are you going to do today?" and you would say "Nothing." Fully meaning it at the moment but everyone knows there is no "nothing" we are always thinking something and doing something. Just like now, I kind of feel like I'm doing "nothing" but I'm actually doing something....it doesn't exactly have a point right now but it is something.

So I'm 23, I don't exactly know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am going to school to become a certified bookkeeper, but I don't see myself in an office for the rest of my life. I feel like I need to be doing something...better. I've always felt that God has this amazing purpose for me and I just have to find the blueprints but where do I start looking? I mean what if I am meant to be a writer and touch people with my words or a painter and make people contemplate the universe with my strokes. What if I am supposed to be an amazing actress but have never stepped foot in front of a camera? This is what goes on in my overly fill brain most of the time. Or is this guy I'm making out with going to be the father of my children? <--yeah that one made me laugh right then...yeah it was a little awkward because then he was like why are you giggling? haha!! True Story.

I guess my days are full of unanswered questions that I am daily trying to piece together. One huge jigsaw puzzle that has so many pieces you don't even know where to begin. I have learned though that if you never pick up a piece and just get started then you just never get started and stay where you are....forever.... Right now I would NOT want that...living with my mom, no job, no money, no boyfriend, some friends...I mean who would want to be THAT stagnant. Not me. Hopefully not you either. Well if you do that's your own business but your life would pretty much suck. So there I told you. Now you know. :)

I guess it's always like people who look at my paintings and say "I don't know how you do it!!" And I always say "Well I started by picking up the paintbrush." If you never pick up the paintbrush how will you ever know the extent of your capabilities? I don't know about you but I would love to know all of what I'm capable of.

I never feel sorry for people who say "I just can't do it!" Because really, did they try very hard? Probably not. If you want something bad enough then you'll get it one way or another. That is how we humans are made. We want so we get. And that's not even meaning always tangible it's spiritual also.

Recently I've been meeting A LOT people who have been going after and getting all that they want. Yes, most of these people I have met through Fallborn, but it's also the guys of Fallborn. Take Adam for example, he had an amazing solo career as a Christian singer, he writes award winning songs, makes probably more money than I can imagine, yet still has the ability to turn, smile at me and give me hope about my little projects and dreams. Thursday night, I sat and spoke with Nic for a while just about nothing really and that alone just makes me smile because I was sitting by myself yet Nic came over to be to make conversation and keep me company just like a true friend would. I used to think that the people who get what they want take it at any cost but I now know that the ones that live with the light of Christ and share it with others yet still have the desire to go get what they want will get it because Christ will reward you for doing what is right.

I'm not quite sure why I drive 3 1/2 hours each way a few times a month to just see Fallborn play an hour long show but I think it's because they feel more like four new brothers that believe in me and don't think my dreams are too far fetched. Not to far fetched because they have reached their dreams. Maybe they makes me realize that I shouldn't be putting a cap on my dreams. If my dreams are unlimited, so are my possibilities. OooOOOoo I like that. Very good saying that I just came up with.

Well I'm going to stop there. Take what I just said and run with it.
I told you this is about nothing but everything.

Peace.

No time like the present!

Well, I've decided that I would start blogging. Actually for myself and not really anyone else. So if you read this, good for you but *gasp* I'm not expecting anyone to read it. So if there is something misspelled or the grammar is a little off I really don't care. To tell you the truth I will probably just say what's on my mind or a play by play of my day.

I've been experiencing A LOT of new and exciting stuff lately so I started thinking I should write them down....somewhere. So, that somewhere is here and if you don't like it leave. No really. :)

If I offend you somehow, I'm not going to apologize for what I say. I've done enough people pleasing in my life and I'm only 23. Right now at this moment I'm living for God and myself. What ever follows and happens as a result I'm happy to take. So far things have been pretty darn awesome and I hope they just get better.

So a little about where I am right now and how I got here.

So how I got here :

I was born, parents were divorced when I was four, my father was in prison for some time, I don't see him or that side of the family that often, always lived with my mother and she's the best, I've got one sister (older) and one brother (older), yup I'm the youngest, grew up most of my life in Bakersfield, Ca., went to public school until I was a junior in high school then I was home-schooled (not because I was a bad kid but because I hated being bored at school and wanted more of a challenge and the teachers in our school system kind of sucked.), I graduated early from high school, finished some college...didn't exactly dig it either, worked at Wienerschnitzel for a little over four years, was a travel agent for a little over two years, laid off from the travel company in August 2009, Ca is paying for me to become a certified bookkeeper (so far I'm loving school and should finish in April), September 2009 (my 23rd b-day) was the best birthday I'd ever had despite not having any money or job, my all-time favorite band is Fallborn, I've seen the play like 10 times since September 2009, I'm still looking for the love of my life, I'm a virgo, I hate fish, love watching cheesey romantic movies, I'm terrified of commitment, terrified of rejection, pretty insecure about my physical self, I've got a lot of opinions but rarely express them, I'm trying to be more outgoing AND outspoken every minute of my new found life, I love going to church, I am LDS (Mormon), I love Jesus and KNOW he is my savior, I love my family, I consider most of my friends my family, I love dogs...not so much cats, I hate milk but love soy milk,I love the sound of violins, I love making people smile, I love the rain probably more than a normal person probably should, "pretty" girls frighten me...so I get along with guys much better, I like getting dressed up but really am a jeans and t-shirt girl who would be fine with dressing up the jeans and t-shirt with pearls, I love doing artsy stuff, I love cooking, I absolutely LOVE music, I love writing, Don't really watch much tv but my favorite tv show is Chuck, I hate going to the theatre, I love sitting and watching movies with blankets in the dark, I hate fake people, love people who love Jesus, I try to live every day to make him proud, I mute commercials, I don't watch rated R movies, I don't use the Lord's name in vain, I don't curse, I dress modestly, I've never had a drop of alcohol, I've never smoked, never tried any type of drugs, I'm still a virgin and will be until I get married in one of God's temples, I've almost died from an illness, strangely I know famous people, I would love to try acting some time but never got around to it, I love the disney channel but think they give little girls the wrong idea of love and relationships, I think parents need to start paying attention to their children, I hate it when people judge each other, I hate it when people gossip, I hate it when people embellish the truth, I think way to much into things, day dream way to often, love to try new things, hate to fail, and I am learning to love myself for who I am.

Ok THAT is enough about me.

Some of that stuff I've never told anyone but probably should.
:-)