Letting go.

So the other night I had one of those dreams. One of those dreams that when you wake up you think "well that was a waste of a dream...," but then as the day kept going on I guess I started thinking more about the dream and more about what it could mean. What it could have to do with my life right now and the future. I know I always read more into things that most people do and I believe in more superstition than most people but then again I have good reason to believe when others laugh at the idea. I process information differently than other do and come to logic in different ways than most also. So when I have a dream or a thought comes to my mind my conclusions may be drastically different than the normal person. Although the "normal" person wouldn't keep thinking about a dream they had dreamt to try to learn something from it. Anyways. When the dream started there was a lot of panic and rushing around. Rushing around trying to carry things out of my house and running back in to get more things and carrying them out as well. I was so panicked that I was going to forget something or lose something that it took me a while to realize that in my dream my house was on fire and to realize that now I, my mortal body, was in danger because of these things I was trying to "save." I kept worrying about the things that I wasn't going to be able to get out of the house while my family was calm and waiting outside. They weren't calling for me or screaming for me to come and get away from the fire they were just waiting. Now the family that was waiting for me outside isn't the family I live with. The family waiting was all my family members that have passed away. No one in my dream was from the living. After I couldn't take the fire anymore I collapsed outside and was in tears because I couldn't save everything I needed to from the fire. I had disappointed myself and knew that everyone else was disappointed with me as well. The scene then changed to me living by myself on the street with all my things that I had managed to save but the rest of my family could only visit. I couldn't go with them and it hurt me when they had to leave. They could never stay for very long because they belonged somewhere better. I kept asking them why I couldn't come and my Grandma just kept saying "when you figure out your way we'll be waiting with open arms, but only you can come." and then I would go back to living amongst my things on the street. I wanted so badly to go with them but they weren't allowing me to go with them. They wouldn't tell me how to go and I felt like they didn't want me there. I felt very alone and was very unhappy. It felt like that feeling was the feeling I was going to have forever, like nothing was ever going to get better, nothing was ever going to change, and nothing was ever going to happen again to bring back my family. I can't express in words how devastating that feeling was. I know there are worse feelings out there but it was like a life that lacked smiles and hugs all together. It wasn't a life I wanted but I couldn't get rid of it. It's not something I would wish for someone else or myself. The last part of the dream was all my family that has passed away ascending in the the sky and looking back at me and my Grandma asking if I was ready to go with her and all I could say was "I don't know how to go with you but I want to." and then she said "Then you're not ready. Maybe next time." And I was left alone with all my things. A big heaping pile of things. And then I woke up.

When I woke up my first response was "I need to clean my room." But after thinking for a few days about it I think I need to clean my life. I need to get rid of these "things" that I think I need. I need to change the way I perceive possessions and items over the outlook of my eternal future. Is having the latest camera equipment going to make me happy ten years from? I think what I'm being told is all this stuff that I have strapped to my back the stuff that I can't seem to get rid of the stuff holding me down is making me feel helpless and miserable. Making me feel like there is no hope, no happiness, no smiles. That is not the best way to be feeling and yet I AM feeling that way and I'm not doing anything about it. I wake up feeling like I've fought demons all night and I go to bed feeling the same way. It's amazing how a dream can spark a realization and that realization can spark an action and that action can spark a flicker of hope. If I look at this dream in an earthly sense that big pile of things is all the debt I'm in. And that feeling I was feeling in my dream is what I'm feeling day in and day out trying to pay it with money I find. But if I look at this dream in an eternal sense that big pile of things is just that, a big pile of things that I'm putting in front of the Savior and his plan. I AM living the best I can and not doing what I shouldn't be doing. I'm not breaking the law and I'm not getting in trouble, but I'm not striving to be the best witness to Christ that I can be either. I'm not living every principle of the Gospel and that is what's leaving me behind. I don't want to be left behind. This all works into the Gospel also. I believe there is a Celestial, terrestrial, and telestial Kingdom after we die. Celestial is full glory, you've lived how you were supposed to but in addition you also worked and lived your life for the Gospel. You didn't just behave and go to church because you were supposed to, you did it because you wanted to, because you wanted to learn as much about God plan as you could so you could share it with others and bring others to the Gospel to live the happiness you've found. You lived, breathed, and loved the Gospel and its principles. You loved everyone without exceptions. You were as good as the best in this world. Terrestrial is the next lower kingdom. You were still good in the mortal life but you didn't quite want to do as much for God's Plan. You didn't quite feel like doing all of the requirements just some of them. And then there is telestial. You lived well but your life was more important than what Christ did for you. You were nice to others but were still more involved with yourself. Someone needed help, you'd help IF you had time. You lived the Gospel when it didn't inconvenience you. Now people in the Celestial Kingdom can visit the people in the lower Kingdoms but people in the lower Kingdoms can not visit higher. I was stuck in the lower Kingdom because I still felt more important that God's plan and helping others. I was left behind because I cared about my earthly life and things more than my eternal path and happiness. I was left behind every time because I couldn't let go and live for someone else.
That's not how I thought I was living my life but after this dream it IS how I've been living my life. Yes I've been reading my scriptures but just to say that I have. I haven't been going to church because I feel like I don't look pretty enough, I haven't gone to church because I don't have enough different dresses. None of that even matters to God. I can't be going to church to please the others that are there I need to be going to church to learn about my savior and learn to live how he wants me to live and I need to be going for Him. I've been getting my priorities all tangled and thinking of being scared and talked about by others when they don't matter. Only God matters. I was right in my dream when I said that I don't know how to get there and only going to church and searching and pondering the scriptures will get me there. Not just doing the actions because "I'm supposed to."