Letting go.

So the other night I had one of those dreams. One of those dreams that when you wake up you think "well that was a waste of a dream...," but then as the day kept going on I guess I started thinking more about the dream and more about what it could mean. What it could have to do with my life right now and the future. I know I always read more into things that most people do and I believe in more superstition than most people but then again I have good reason to believe when others laugh at the idea. I process information differently than other do and come to logic in different ways than most also. So when I have a dream or a thought comes to my mind my conclusions may be drastically different than the normal person. Although the "normal" person wouldn't keep thinking about a dream they had dreamt to try to learn something from it. Anyways. When the dream started there was a lot of panic and rushing around. Rushing around trying to carry things out of my house and running back in to get more things and carrying them out as well. I was so panicked that I was going to forget something or lose something that it took me a while to realize that in my dream my house was on fire and to realize that now I, my mortal body, was in danger because of these things I was trying to "save." I kept worrying about the things that I wasn't going to be able to get out of the house while my family was calm and waiting outside. They weren't calling for me or screaming for me to come and get away from the fire they were just waiting. Now the family that was waiting for me outside isn't the family I live with. The family waiting was all my family members that have passed away. No one in my dream was from the living. After I couldn't take the fire anymore I collapsed outside and was in tears because I couldn't save everything I needed to from the fire. I had disappointed myself and knew that everyone else was disappointed with me as well. The scene then changed to me living by myself on the street with all my things that I had managed to save but the rest of my family could only visit. I couldn't go with them and it hurt me when they had to leave. They could never stay for very long because they belonged somewhere better. I kept asking them why I couldn't come and my Grandma just kept saying "when you figure out your way we'll be waiting with open arms, but only you can come." and then I would go back to living amongst my things on the street. I wanted so badly to go with them but they weren't allowing me to go with them. They wouldn't tell me how to go and I felt like they didn't want me there. I felt very alone and was very unhappy. It felt like that feeling was the feeling I was going to have forever, like nothing was ever going to get better, nothing was ever going to change, and nothing was ever going to happen again to bring back my family. I can't express in words how devastating that feeling was. I know there are worse feelings out there but it was like a life that lacked smiles and hugs all together. It wasn't a life I wanted but I couldn't get rid of it. It's not something I would wish for someone else or myself. The last part of the dream was all my family that has passed away ascending in the the sky and looking back at me and my Grandma asking if I was ready to go with her and all I could say was "I don't know how to go with you but I want to." and then she said "Then you're not ready. Maybe next time." And I was left alone with all my things. A big heaping pile of things. And then I woke up.

When I woke up my first response was "I need to clean my room." But after thinking for a few days about it I think I need to clean my life. I need to get rid of these "things" that I think I need. I need to change the way I perceive possessions and items over the outlook of my eternal future. Is having the latest camera equipment going to make me happy ten years from? I think what I'm being told is all this stuff that I have strapped to my back the stuff that I can't seem to get rid of the stuff holding me down is making me feel helpless and miserable. Making me feel like there is no hope, no happiness, no smiles. That is not the best way to be feeling and yet I AM feeling that way and I'm not doing anything about it. I wake up feeling like I've fought demons all night and I go to bed feeling the same way. It's amazing how a dream can spark a realization and that realization can spark an action and that action can spark a flicker of hope. If I look at this dream in an earthly sense that big pile of things is all the debt I'm in. And that feeling I was feeling in my dream is what I'm feeling day in and day out trying to pay it with money I find. But if I look at this dream in an eternal sense that big pile of things is just that, a big pile of things that I'm putting in front of the Savior and his plan. I AM living the best I can and not doing what I shouldn't be doing. I'm not breaking the law and I'm not getting in trouble, but I'm not striving to be the best witness to Christ that I can be either. I'm not living every principle of the Gospel and that is what's leaving me behind. I don't want to be left behind. This all works into the Gospel also. I believe there is a Celestial, terrestrial, and telestial Kingdom after we die. Celestial is full glory, you've lived how you were supposed to but in addition you also worked and lived your life for the Gospel. You didn't just behave and go to church because you were supposed to, you did it because you wanted to, because you wanted to learn as much about God plan as you could so you could share it with others and bring others to the Gospel to live the happiness you've found. You lived, breathed, and loved the Gospel and its principles. You loved everyone without exceptions. You were as good as the best in this world. Terrestrial is the next lower kingdom. You were still good in the mortal life but you didn't quite want to do as much for God's Plan. You didn't quite feel like doing all of the requirements just some of them. And then there is telestial. You lived well but your life was more important than what Christ did for you. You were nice to others but were still more involved with yourself. Someone needed help, you'd help IF you had time. You lived the Gospel when it didn't inconvenience you. Now people in the Celestial Kingdom can visit the people in the lower Kingdoms but people in the lower Kingdoms can not visit higher. I was stuck in the lower Kingdom because I still felt more important that God's plan and helping others. I was left behind because I cared about my earthly life and things more than my eternal path and happiness. I was left behind every time because I couldn't let go and live for someone else.
That's not how I thought I was living my life but after this dream it IS how I've been living my life. Yes I've been reading my scriptures but just to say that I have. I haven't been going to church because I feel like I don't look pretty enough, I haven't gone to church because I don't have enough different dresses. None of that even matters to God. I can't be going to church to please the others that are there I need to be going to church to learn about my savior and learn to live how he wants me to live and I need to be going for Him. I've been getting my priorities all tangled and thinking of being scared and talked about by others when they don't matter. Only God matters. I was right in my dream when I said that I don't know how to get there and only going to church and searching and pondering the scriptures will get me there. Not just doing the actions because "I'm supposed to."

Learning From Your Trials

Ok, so I haven't updated in a long, long time. I've had a LOT going on. I've started a photo blog that...actually has been getting a lot of hits which is exciting. But, that is not what this update is about. It's about trials.

Now when I was young I use to dream of perfect lives, fresh cut flowers, beautiful happy families, no worries, no crying, beautiful dresses, amazing vacations, and family around forever. We all know these exist, but not all at the same time. No ones life is perfect. I was almost four and I didn't know better, but that's when those dreams went on the wayside.

I know that early on not everyone learns how hard life can be but I did, and I still am. I also learned how beautiful life can be when you learn from those trials, and I'm still learning that too.

You see when little girls were going to daddy daughter dances I was staying home wondering why my Dad wasn't around to take me. When other little girls were going on vacations to Disneyland or Hawaii, I was going on Vacation to Grandma and Grandpa's house because that's all we could afford. When other little girls were having no worries and living in a perfect world, I was worrying about money, food, and clothes. When other little girls were playing dress up, I couldn't because we couldn't afford extra clothes. When other little girls dreamed of huge amazing out of this world to numerous to count Christmas mornings I was worried that my Mom might have spent to much money on me.

I could probably list a hundred of those comparisons but I think you get the picture. The happy fairytale childhood is not something I got, but surprisingly I am grateful for that. It would have been pretty amazing to have a fairytale childhood and have big Thanksgiving dinners, to many dresses to count, but I'm not sure that's the childhood I would have wanted. I mean yes, it would have been beautiful, but it wouldn't have prepared me for later years in my life. If I hadn't worried about money when I was younger I wouldn't know now how to pinch pennies and go without. If I had gotten to go to Disneyland and Hawaii every year, would I have learned the value of my family and all that family can teach me? If I didn't have to learn how to cook by a very young age and not just rely on going out to eat would I know how to feed a family on just a few bucks now?

You know, when I was 14 my Grandma passed away. I thought it was the end of the world. My Grandma was my world, she's the one who taught me how to play board games, she taught me to save for just a few pieces of beautiful jewelry rather than having a ton of fake things, she taught me to laugh, we watched Jeopardy together, she called every single week that I can remember, she always took me shopping when I visited her, we made nachos together, she was one of my best friends in the entire world.

I still miss those board games, shopping trips, homemade nachos, and those phone calls, oh how I miss those phone calls. I would give almost anything for a phone call from her right now. I have learned though that even though she's not here to do those things with me I have the memories with me every single minute of my life.

Tonight I found out that my Grandpa only has about 5-7 days left to live. From the time I was probably about five I have spent a lot of my time with him. You see, he was my "Dad" that I told things to. He taught me to be handy and to always give to others. He taught me to make bread in the bread maker. He taught me to love what I have. He gave me my first fudge soda that I now crave with ever peanut butter sandwich because that what it always came with. He taught me service and that giving is always better than receiving. I learned from him how a man should treat a woman. Through watching him I saw how an eternal marriage is. He is one of the most Christ-like people I know. He has always been one of the most important people in my life. He's been an anchor, a life line, a friend, a teacher, and an amazing role model. Every free day I had I'd go and see him. Growing up, on my birthdays all I wanted was to go to my Grandpa's. I didn't care about presents (but I did love the cards he gave which always had a check:)) I love his hugs. I love getting to see him every time I can and right now I'm just realizing it's going to stop. Just like that. I won't get to feel his warm embrace or hear his stories from when he was young. I won't just get to sit and watch tv with him anymore. With all the pain and anguish I'm feeling right now I know that some time down the metaphorical road of life I will again feel ok and be able to remember everything about him without crying for a few hours. So tomorrow I'm driving to go see him again. The nurses say he's just sleeping a lot and doesn't really know who's there, but I know he knows. I know I'll see him again and I'll forever know that he loves me.

So where does all this fit in with the trials? Well, some people would say that family members dying is just a fact of life and it's not a trial. But lately I've had to learn how to go on without something or someone. My brother unexpectedly went to prison for 8 years and yeah, I know what you think. No one unexpectedly goes to prison, but he was the ONLY one who knew what he had done wrong. For me it was literally "he was in the next room and then the police took him away from me to never see without glass between us again." If you knew me you'd know how much family means to me and this caused a lot of anguish. The person I knew one day was someone completely different the next. But in a few very short days I learned complete forgiveness. I learned I have no room in my heart for revenge, hate, or judgments. Anyone who knows me knows how much my family dogs mean to me. Well we lost one of our dogs in October, we'd had her since the day she was born and her "mommy" passed away December '09, last Friday we lost our German Shepard/Husky who was the best dog, friend, and freak that brought tons of laughter there ever was. I mean ever. I guess all this loss has prepared me for a loss I never thought I could live through, but some how I know I'll get by. I now know that all I have to do is hand over my problems to my Father in Heaven and have faith that all will work out. I think I've learned more about faith in these last six months than in the rest of my entire life and I'm grateful for it. I am grateful that I know how to recognize the fact that I've gained more faith. If I didn't have faith how would I get through life? I have absolutely no idea.

My First Of Hopefully Many Photoshoots!

This Saturday I got the privilege of taking photos of some of my beautiful cousins. This was the first photoshoot with actual people I've ever done and I think it went extremely well. I love being with family and taking pictures, so it was a more than perfect combination! Here are a few of my favorites!
This is my cousin Leah.

This is my Cousin Bree.

My beautiful cousin Amanda. I think this might be my favorite of the all. :)

This is Marissa!

This is the adorable Mia!

This is Allison!

This is the adorable Natalie!

This is Ryan and Kim! Such an adorable couple!

Ryan and Kim again! I love this photo!

Moments In Time, Captured

So I haven't written for a while....this has been the most trying month of my life, thus far. It's been so hard to get up and live each day with the void in my life, but I know that I can not let another's choices put my life at a standstill. For a very long time I have said that "Everyone makes their own choices and they must live with the consequences." I now know that it may be very hard to deal with those consequences but it must be done and I know it's better to deal with them now and to repent for your sins rather than wait until it's to late to realize what you've done and live eternity with a regret that will never fade. I have always lived my life with the intent to never hurt my family or friends. To live so they could be proud of my decisions, to live as my Father in Heaven would say "Yeah, That's my girl" with a smile on his face. I know for a fact I am not perfect but I thank God every single moment of the day and night that I have had the strength to live in that manner. No, my life has definitely NOT been perfect or even close, but I am now seeing that the little (and I mean no matter how little) blessings in my life are worth counting every day. If they weren't I might have given up by now. These little things are God letting me know that He is there and Yes there might be terrible things happening all around at this moment but He is still there for you, still caring for you. I guess this time in my life is teaching me and helping me learn to treasure the small things and not the laptop or camera that I hold so dear. Life is not about what I have or what I want. Life is not about myself nor is it about trivial things.
My life may be very difficult in some aspects right now but this is not the end and there is plenty to be grateful for, if I take the time to look. If you (whoever you are) read this please take the time to thank God for what you are grateful for. For what He has given you.

And now on to why I actually was going to post today. I went to an antique fair today at Pioneer's Village in my town Bakersfield, Ca and took some photographs and just wanted to share with ya'll.

I think by now you know I love photography and I happen to love taking photos of older cameras. :)


I am not sure why but these crosses just struck me as beautiful when I saw them so I snapped a picture of them and I'm quite pleased as to how it turned out.


Now this photo is not photoshopped or anything to the effect. I don't have photoshop but I wish I did. Anyways this is a picture of the inside of the "Undertakers Shop" at Pioneer Village and in the upper left hand corner is a wooden casket that had a pretty small opening in it for viewing the body. You can actually see the little lid on the floor next to it. But what is Awesome is the reflection that is seemingly burning into the photo from the small opening from the casket. And can you see the hand that is coming out from the cloth draped over the other casket that is up against the left wall? Crazy!!! haha :) Can you hear the spooky music yet? And yes I know it's probably just reflections off of glass. Just have some fun with it. *Click on the photo to make it larger!*


If anyone has been to Bakersfield...or Kern County for that matter they can see with their own eyes that, here, we are big on oil fields. So naturally they have some oil field equipment at the museum, and well, I didn't read what is was, I just started taking pictures of them..kind of happens a lot with me but I still just love these.




This is inside the super old oil driller thingy mabob that's on the grounds. It's just the light shining in from outside but it makes me smile. And it helps me remember to let the light shine in.

I Pray I'm Living In A Terrible Alternate Universe

Today was the worst day of my life thus far. Everything has fallen apart. The only thing that gives me hope is my Father is Heaven and my Mom and Sister. I am terrified of what is to come and I am still having a hard time coming to terms with what has been presented. It is so hard to face these fears I never thought I would have to face again. The person I thought I knew is now lost, I fear forever. God, please give the ones I love and myself some comfort and guidance. God, please help mend my heart for it is falling to pieces. God, please help the angry and hurt forgive.

A Troubled Mind, An Open Heart

Recently I've been unsure on what to write. Unsure of what I should say on here and unsure of myself, well, pretty much unsure of everything. It's become one of those times in my life where I just feel like giving up because everything is getting just so hard. This is one of those times I feel myself slipping, know it's happening (obviously!!), but have yet to do anything about it. I need to suck it up and just make myself feel better. I know one of the issues buggin me is that I have pretty much zero spending money, but that should not or ever rule my happiness! EVER! People get by on so much less that I have it's not even funny and I get all down and want to cry because I can't afford to go out and buy a soda when I want one. I had a thought today that if a billionaire paid off all my bills and left me with a little money to help me, would I even be happy then? I think if someone instantly paid off all my bills I wouldn't learn my lesson. I am so used to giving myself the glitters in life that the natural light that appears with Gods loves is being look over. I need to remember the warmth and love I felt when I walked around on temple square. I want my whole life to feel that way but it only can when I let it happen. My cousin posted on her facebook page today "Faith, it's when you close your eyes and open your heart." I need to do that pretty much last year, yet I still can't bring myself to find it in me to reach that spiritual ledge and jump! I want to go to college so bad. I want to do something with my life that I can be proud of and that my family and friends can be proud of but most importantly that my Lord can be proud of. Right now if he evaluated my life I think he would bow his head and shed a tear. I know he is always there for me and ready for me to invite him in. The invitation is signed, sealed, but certainly not delivered. Oh these times we live in are hard but rewarding for the few that choose to follow. I need to follow the light in this ever darkening world. Okay, that's enough of self pity for now. Today is a new day...after I get some sleep and I will use it for His will not my own.

Whoever Said Money Can Not Buy Happiness.

So I was watching "Selling New York" and they were talking about how this ONE property was RENTING for $30,000 and I started thinking about if I had enough money to actually spend it on just rent each month or what I would actually do with it. Right now I can hardly even imagine considering I am making about $1000 a month and pretty much every single cent is going to my bills, BUT I've been wanting SO badly to contribute to the community or something to that effect. Right now I have been volunteering at CHP in their clerical office. Not much to change the world but I guess it is something to help my community. But anyways, I'm getting off topic...back to the "If I had a billion dollars thing"... I was sitting there thinking and I decided that IF I EVER had enough money to share the wealth I would want to help less fortunate children. Not in the way of I want to make sure they have nice things so they can fit in with others sort of helping, but helping in the way of sending children and teens to music camps, helping provide books so children can develop imaginations, funding art for schools, helping single parents who can only just get by, I would love to help people who can't afford to go to college (just like me), help keep sports programs in schools, and I'm sure there is a ton more I would want to do but I can't think of at the moment. Could you imagine if all those people who could afford to pay $30,000 a MONTH for rent, rented just a little bit smaller homes and helped out people who actually need it? I couldn't imagine how many people they could help. A lot of people, like myself, live on less than $30,000 a year and some people spend it a month JUST on RENT! How much else to they spend on just STUFF! I can't even afford to buy bread...or pretty much anything else for that matter after I pay my bills...which are behind...*eep*...anyways...just something to be thinking about. "Charity Never Faileth" I love that motto. I wish everyone believed it. Next time just remember a little help can go a long way and sometime you may need it yourself and if you never give then how can you expect to receive.

Oh and here is a charity I would LOVE to donate to but can't afford. It's called Kids Need To Read www.kidsneedtoread.org Check it out!