The Ending, So Lets Begin.

So yesterday I became single and also realized that I am ready for a new beginning. I am going to start loving myself more, living every moment, being even more confident, and learning everything I can. I'm excited for what the new start will bring and what good I can bring about in the world when I actually try. Ok, going to my best friends house now. Yay for new beginnings!

I can see the light through sheer terror

Ok. I'm feeling a little better. I've definitely thought over quite a few things over the past two days but all of them lead to one thing. That one thing is going to be extremely hard to do but I do know it's for the best. Even though it's for the best doesn't make it any easier. I've never had to do this but I know it's going to be extremely hard. Oh gosh this is going to be hard.

The pain of an unforgiving world.

I have so many decisions to make. So many thoughts going through my head. My heart is breaking. I feel as if I'm falling apart. Being pulled in a billion directions. Even now as I type this I feel like just falling apart and crying. I haven't felt despair in a long time. Despair. The absence of hope. I haven't felt this in a long time. Deep down I know I have everything to hope for. I really do have everything to hope for. I know I have fears and I am trying to fight through. I am trying to fight as hard as I can. I deserve the world. I deserve to give myself the world. It seems I have forgotten. I've forgotten the love I deserve. I am worthy of that love. I need to remember what I'm worth.

It seems this world continues even when my heart stops.
The breaths I'm taking are toxic to my soul.
Feeding my fears and ripping me down.
I'm screaming inside and no one else can hear.
I'm falling down not sure if I can rise.
All hope is fading from my eyes.
Do you hear my cries.

Petrified Soul

Have you ever awoke with such a fright that you're unable to move or even breath but there really isn't anything there actually to harm you but you still can't bring yourself to risk it? I think I did that about 4 times tonight and I only went to bed at 2 AM...so in the last 2 1/2 hours. To make matters worse when I was sleeping which wasn't much, I was to terrified to sleep in my dreams. I don't exactly know what was terrifying me in my dreams but I have not been so terrified in such a long time. I mean, I remember being that terrified when I was at a small age...I still can't remember what I was so terrified from, though. What I do remember is distinct shadows walking about. I remember the feeling and the knowing that something or someone wanted to show itself. I had that feeling as well tonight. Like some force kept pulling me in a billion directions. In my dreams I never slept, I just wandered the house terrified of what I would see. At some points I even wanted to scream in terror but didn't because it might hear me. I had that distinct feeling tonight that has been long lost from my childhood. I had that distinct feeling tonight that has been pushed so far deep it has caused me to forget. The distinct feeling that I was being watched, very closely. How could I be petrified to my soul afraid to move and breath whilst my dog lay at the foot of the bed perfectly calm. Now as the sun rises, may my fears fall with the moon for I have a quest at hand. A quest put forth by a need to feel, a need to fill the gaps in my memory. A quest to find why I am truly terrified. A quest to find what wants to show itself. What have I been hiding from the world. What have I been hiding from myself. What have I buried deep within.