Learning From Your Trials

Ok, so I haven't updated in a long, long time. I've had a LOT going on. I've started a photo blog that...actually has been getting a lot of hits which is exciting. But, that is not what this update is about. It's about trials.

Now when I was young I use to dream of perfect lives, fresh cut flowers, beautiful happy families, no worries, no crying, beautiful dresses, amazing vacations, and family around forever. We all know these exist, but not all at the same time. No ones life is perfect. I was almost four and I didn't know better, but that's when those dreams went on the wayside.

I know that early on not everyone learns how hard life can be but I did, and I still am. I also learned how beautiful life can be when you learn from those trials, and I'm still learning that too.

You see when little girls were going to daddy daughter dances I was staying home wondering why my Dad wasn't around to take me. When other little girls were going on vacations to Disneyland or Hawaii, I was going on Vacation to Grandma and Grandpa's house because that's all we could afford. When other little girls were having no worries and living in a perfect world, I was worrying about money, food, and clothes. When other little girls were playing dress up, I couldn't because we couldn't afford extra clothes. When other little girls dreamed of huge amazing out of this world to numerous to count Christmas mornings I was worried that my Mom might have spent to much money on me.

I could probably list a hundred of those comparisons but I think you get the picture. The happy fairytale childhood is not something I got, but surprisingly I am grateful for that. It would have been pretty amazing to have a fairytale childhood and have big Thanksgiving dinners, to many dresses to count, but I'm not sure that's the childhood I would have wanted. I mean yes, it would have been beautiful, but it wouldn't have prepared me for later years in my life. If I hadn't worried about money when I was younger I wouldn't know now how to pinch pennies and go without. If I had gotten to go to Disneyland and Hawaii every year, would I have learned the value of my family and all that family can teach me? If I didn't have to learn how to cook by a very young age and not just rely on going out to eat would I know how to feed a family on just a few bucks now?

You know, when I was 14 my Grandma passed away. I thought it was the end of the world. My Grandma was my world, she's the one who taught me how to play board games, she taught me to save for just a few pieces of beautiful jewelry rather than having a ton of fake things, she taught me to laugh, we watched Jeopardy together, she called every single week that I can remember, she always took me shopping when I visited her, we made nachos together, she was one of my best friends in the entire world.

I still miss those board games, shopping trips, homemade nachos, and those phone calls, oh how I miss those phone calls. I would give almost anything for a phone call from her right now. I have learned though that even though she's not here to do those things with me I have the memories with me every single minute of my life.

Tonight I found out that my Grandpa only has about 5-7 days left to live. From the time I was probably about five I have spent a lot of my time with him. You see, he was my "Dad" that I told things to. He taught me to be handy and to always give to others. He taught me to make bread in the bread maker. He taught me to love what I have. He gave me my first fudge soda that I now crave with ever peanut butter sandwich because that what it always came with. He taught me service and that giving is always better than receiving. I learned from him how a man should treat a woman. Through watching him I saw how an eternal marriage is. He is one of the most Christ-like people I know. He has always been one of the most important people in my life. He's been an anchor, a life line, a friend, a teacher, and an amazing role model. Every free day I had I'd go and see him. Growing up, on my birthdays all I wanted was to go to my Grandpa's. I didn't care about presents (but I did love the cards he gave which always had a check:)) I love his hugs. I love getting to see him every time I can and right now I'm just realizing it's going to stop. Just like that. I won't get to feel his warm embrace or hear his stories from when he was young. I won't just get to sit and watch tv with him anymore. With all the pain and anguish I'm feeling right now I know that some time down the metaphorical road of life I will again feel ok and be able to remember everything about him without crying for a few hours. So tomorrow I'm driving to go see him again. The nurses say he's just sleeping a lot and doesn't really know who's there, but I know he knows. I know I'll see him again and I'll forever know that he loves me.

So where does all this fit in with the trials? Well, some people would say that family members dying is just a fact of life and it's not a trial. But lately I've had to learn how to go on without something or someone. My brother unexpectedly went to prison for 8 years and yeah, I know what you think. No one unexpectedly goes to prison, but he was the ONLY one who knew what he had done wrong. For me it was literally "he was in the next room and then the police took him away from me to never see without glass between us again." If you knew me you'd know how much family means to me and this caused a lot of anguish. The person I knew one day was someone completely different the next. But in a few very short days I learned complete forgiveness. I learned I have no room in my heart for revenge, hate, or judgments. Anyone who knows me knows how much my family dogs mean to me. Well we lost one of our dogs in October, we'd had her since the day she was born and her "mommy" passed away December '09, last Friday we lost our German Shepard/Husky who was the best dog, friend, and freak that brought tons of laughter there ever was. I mean ever. I guess all this loss has prepared me for a loss I never thought I could live through, but some how I know I'll get by. I now know that all I have to do is hand over my problems to my Father in Heaven and have faith that all will work out. I think I've learned more about faith in these last six months than in the rest of my entire life and I'm grateful for it. I am grateful that I know how to recognize the fact that I've gained more faith. If I didn't have faith how would I get through life? I have absolutely no idea.

My First Of Hopefully Many Photoshoots!

This Saturday I got the privilege of taking photos of some of my beautiful cousins. This was the first photoshoot with actual people I've ever done and I think it went extremely well. I love being with family and taking pictures, so it was a more than perfect combination! Here are a few of my favorites!
This is my cousin Leah.

This is my Cousin Bree.

My beautiful cousin Amanda. I think this might be my favorite of the all. :)

This is Marissa!

This is the adorable Mia!

This is Allison!

This is the adorable Natalie!

This is Ryan and Kim! Such an adorable couple!

Ryan and Kim again! I love this photo!

Moments In Time, Captured

So I haven't written for a while....this has been the most trying month of my life, thus far. It's been so hard to get up and live each day with the void in my life, but I know that I can not let another's choices put my life at a standstill. For a very long time I have said that "Everyone makes their own choices and they must live with the consequences." I now know that it may be very hard to deal with those consequences but it must be done and I know it's better to deal with them now and to repent for your sins rather than wait until it's to late to realize what you've done and live eternity with a regret that will never fade. I have always lived my life with the intent to never hurt my family or friends. To live so they could be proud of my decisions, to live as my Father in Heaven would say "Yeah, That's my girl" with a smile on his face. I know for a fact I am not perfect but I thank God every single moment of the day and night that I have had the strength to live in that manner. No, my life has definitely NOT been perfect or even close, but I am now seeing that the little (and I mean no matter how little) blessings in my life are worth counting every day. If they weren't I might have given up by now. These little things are God letting me know that He is there and Yes there might be terrible things happening all around at this moment but He is still there for you, still caring for you. I guess this time in my life is teaching me and helping me learn to treasure the small things and not the laptop or camera that I hold so dear. Life is not about what I have or what I want. Life is not about myself nor is it about trivial things.
My life may be very difficult in some aspects right now but this is not the end and there is plenty to be grateful for, if I take the time to look. If you (whoever you are) read this please take the time to thank God for what you are grateful for. For what He has given you.

And now on to why I actually was going to post today. I went to an antique fair today at Pioneer's Village in my town Bakersfield, Ca and took some photographs and just wanted to share with ya'll.

I think by now you know I love photography and I happen to love taking photos of older cameras. :)


I am not sure why but these crosses just struck me as beautiful when I saw them so I snapped a picture of them and I'm quite pleased as to how it turned out.


Now this photo is not photoshopped or anything to the effect. I don't have photoshop but I wish I did. Anyways this is a picture of the inside of the "Undertakers Shop" at Pioneer Village and in the upper left hand corner is a wooden casket that had a pretty small opening in it for viewing the body. You can actually see the little lid on the floor next to it. But what is Awesome is the reflection that is seemingly burning into the photo from the small opening from the casket. And can you see the hand that is coming out from the cloth draped over the other casket that is up against the left wall? Crazy!!! haha :) Can you hear the spooky music yet? And yes I know it's probably just reflections off of glass. Just have some fun with it. *Click on the photo to make it larger!*


If anyone has been to Bakersfield...or Kern County for that matter they can see with their own eyes that, here, we are big on oil fields. So naturally they have some oil field equipment at the museum, and well, I didn't read what is was, I just started taking pictures of them..kind of happens a lot with me but I still just love these.




This is inside the super old oil driller thingy mabob that's on the grounds. It's just the light shining in from outside but it makes me smile. And it helps me remember to let the light shine in.

I Pray I'm Living In A Terrible Alternate Universe

Today was the worst day of my life thus far. Everything has fallen apart. The only thing that gives me hope is my Father is Heaven and my Mom and Sister. I am terrified of what is to come and I am still having a hard time coming to terms with what has been presented. It is so hard to face these fears I never thought I would have to face again. The person I thought I knew is now lost, I fear forever. God, please give the ones I love and myself some comfort and guidance. God, please help mend my heart for it is falling to pieces. God, please help the angry and hurt forgive.

A Troubled Mind, An Open Heart

Recently I've been unsure on what to write. Unsure of what I should say on here and unsure of myself, well, pretty much unsure of everything. It's become one of those times in my life where I just feel like giving up because everything is getting just so hard. This is one of those times I feel myself slipping, know it's happening (obviously!!), but have yet to do anything about it. I need to suck it up and just make myself feel better. I know one of the issues buggin me is that I have pretty much zero spending money, but that should not or ever rule my happiness! EVER! People get by on so much less that I have it's not even funny and I get all down and want to cry because I can't afford to go out and buy a soda when I want one. I had a thought today that if a billionaire paid off all my bills and left me with a little money to help me, would I even be happy then? I think if someone instantly paid off all my bills I wouldn't learn my lesson. I am so used to giving myself the glitters in life that the natural light that appears with Gods loves is being look over. I need to remember the warmth and love I felt when I walked around on temple square. I want my whole life to feel that way but it only can when I let it happen. My cousin posted on her facebook page today "Faith, it's when you close your eyes and open your heart." I need to do that pretty much last year, yet I still can't bring myself to find it in me to reach that spiritual ledge and jump! I want to go to college so bad. I want to do something with my life that I can be proud of and that my family and friends can be proud of but most importantly that my Lord can be proud of. Right now if he evaluated my life I think he would bow his head and shed a tear. I know he is always there for me and ready for me to invite him in. The invitation is signed, sealed, but certainly not delivered. Oh these times we live in are hard but rewarding for the few that choose to follow. I need to follow the light in this ever darkening world. Okay, that's enough of self pity for now. Today is a new day...after I get some sleep and I will use it for His will not my own.

Whoever Said Money Can Not Buy Happiness.

So I was watching "Selling New York" and they were talking about how this ONE property was RENTING for $30,000 and I started thinking about if I had enough money to actually spend it on just rent each month or what I would actually do with it. Right now I can hardly even imagine considering I am making about $1000 a month and pretty much every single cent is going to my bills, BUT I've been wanting SO badly to contribute to the community or something to that effect. Right now I have been volunteering at CHP in their clerical office. Not much to change the world but I guess it is something to help my community. But anyways, I'm getting off topic...back to the "If I had a billion dollars thing"... I was sitting there thinking and I decided that IF I EVER had enough money to share the wealth I would want to help less fortunate children. Not in the way of I want to make sure they have nice things so they can fit in with others sort of helping, but helping in the way of sending children and teens to music camps, helping provide books so children can develop imaginations, funding art for schools, helping single parents who can only just get by, I would love to help people who can't afford to go to college (just like me), help keep sports programs in schools, and I'm sure there is a ton more I would want to do but I can't think of at the moment. Could you imagine if all those people who could afford to pay $30,000 a MONTH for rent, rented just a little bit smaller homes and helped out people who actually need it? I couldn't imagine how many people they could help. A lot of people, like myself, live on less than $30,000 a year and some people spend it a month JUST on RENT! How much else to they spend on just STUFF! I can't even afford to buy bread...or pretty much anything else for that matter after I pay my bills...which are behind...*eep*...anyways...just something to be thinking about. "Charity Never Faileth" I love that motto. I wish everyone believed it. Next time just remember a little help can go a long way and sometime you may need it yourself and if you never give then how can you expect to receive.

Oh and here is a charity I would LOVE to donate to but can't afford. It's called Kids Need To Read www.kidsneedtoread.org Check it out!

Unnerving Fear

So everything and I mean everything lately has been telling me that I need to put my life into the Lords hands. I need to start paying my tithing even when I can't afford to pay all of my bills. I need to always have a prayer in my heart, always have my aim towards my Savior and Lord. I was just having a quick chat with a really good friend and he sent me a link to an article that said just that. Put your life with the Lord.
I was tearing apart my room the other day trying to find some stuff I had written when I found something else I hadn't realized I had scribbled down quite a long time ago. It wasn't written very well but it still had the same effect on my soul. I don't remember writing it but it's in my handwriting and in my notebook, so I guess it's just something that poured out of me in one of my moments when things go foggy and I write without realizing.

Living with my eyes shut
Sleeping with them open
These nightmares I'm avoiding
Are waiting patiently
I turn my back to run
More nightmares are always waiting
Turning in circles
No where to go
I fall to my knees
Turn toward the Heavens
There you are, waiting.
I start to cry
You reach down and hold me
I ask "Where were you?"
He says "I've been here the whole time,
Waiting for you to remember."
I ask "Remember What?"
He says "That I know those nightmares
And have seen them too, but they're not real.
I am."

After I read what I had written my head was almost spinning. It was exactly what I needed to hear, needed to know. It's amazing how I could have written this so long ago, it not having very much meaning then, but when I am drowning in fear, holding back my screams and tears, my own words are found to comfort me. God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. How can things not go right when you put everything in His hands? A friend of mine was recently having issues and she told me "There are so many things I regret and they just hang over me and never go away." What she said got me thinking. Heavenly Father does not want us to regret anything so that it stays with us and inhibits us from progressing. If we regret our past decisions and never move on, we never continue to learn and progress spiritually. We need to take what we are dealt and make the best of it. Learn from our past mistakes to make right choices in the future. If we don't learn from the past then how can we expect any kind of future to be before us? Regret nothing because your triumphs and failures make you who you are and who you will become. Put your life into the hands of the Lord and invite him into your life, always, not only when you need him.