Tears from an overflowing ocean.

So I feel like crying. All my life when I would start talking people would talk over me. So I pretty much stopped talking even when I had something to say. I just figured they didn't want to know what I was talking about, didn't want to know what I had to say, didn't care what I had to say. It always kind of made me mad but I tried to get over it. I tried to not care. It really is hard not to care when it's your family talking over you. It's especially hard to not care when it's someone you really care about and you think he cares about you. I know he cares about me. This is dumb to feel sad and unwanted because of this but sometime you can't help it. Sometimes you just can't. Ugh...I need to. Stupid girl emotions.

My View Of Your Screams

Ok, so my boyfriend read me a snippet of what he wrote last night and it got me thinking of what the same kind of thoughts would be like in the form of a poem. So the words are my own but the idea is his. I don't know....I sort of like it because it reminds me of me...but then I also kind of think it could be written better. Oh well...here it is.

"I See Your Screams"

Eyes shut, Dreams of nightmares
Visions of departed souls
The fear I face no one sees
You sleep and no one knows
No one knows but me.

My sleepless nights, my open eyes.
Ever waiting thoughts and dreams.
Ever waiting screams and cries.
All the same situations and themes
I can't take this for very long.

Eyes shut, Dreams of nightmares
Visions of departed souls
The fear I face no one sees
You sleep and no one knows
No one knows but me.

No end in sight, No cure to find.
A cruel joke, no ones laughing
This poisoned soul is only mine.
What you don't know is haunting
Your silent screams are a sign.

Eyes shut, Dreams of nightmares
Visions of departed souls
The fear I face no one sees
You sleep and no one knows
No one knows but me.

This illness captures every fear
The fear you feel, but I see.
The fearful visions that I hear
No one knows, no one knows but me.

Eyes shut, Dreams of nightmares
Visions of departed souls
The fear I face no one sees
You sleep and no one knows
No one knows but me.

Written by me. :-)

The Bliss of The Unknown.

Well, I haven't posted in a while. I told you I wouldn't remember to post everyday...
Well I am again not sure what I want to post about. I just figured I should. I highly doubt anyone reads what I write but....I know no one is following me...haha I guess I actually don't care. I've been pretty sick lately. It started with strep throat...but now I'm very tired all the time and very weak. I can't bring myself to eat very much...that is good in the weight loss department but not great in the health department. So since August 21 I've lost almost 45 pounds. Pretty awesome I think..well some is also from the lack of food..:-/ I've got myself a boyfriend now...:-) He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He loves me...for me. I feel like I can tell him anything. He makes the world disappear, especially when he kisses me. When I'm feeling down he brings me back up. Just thinking about him makes me smile. Last night he sort of got upset with me...I was trying to clean up after some of our friends left and he didn't want me to clean up anything because I was a guest in his home...and I'm sick. At first I wasn't sure if he was serious, but he was. I'm not used to being catered to...I'm used to taking orders...not making decisions...but this is something I am definitely working on. I have been working on these VERY hard lately. That is probably why I have been so happy lately. Well I'm super tired. So I think I'll leave it at that. Well. Good night. Sweet Dreams. Live YOUR Life. Laugh. Dream Big or Wake Up. Be Yourself. Love Yourself Then Love Others.

That feeling of unforgiving sadness

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I was completely fine until I came home after eating dinner with my family.

I have that feeling of I just want to lay down and cry. Sort of like I'm already crying inside but am to afraid to cry on the outside. I know I fear that if someone asks why I'm crying, I won't be able to give them an answer. I'm also afraid of just telling someone why I'm sad, for fear they will not listen. All these fears can't live in a happy world. I'm crying, but when I touch my face it's dry. The hurt I feel inside has secret unknown origins. Even to me.

Umm...What?

So I haven't written in a while...seems like forever, actually. So I'm trying to get healthy. I'm pretty over-weight so I have started to make different choices. When I got laid off in August I was pretty much at my highest weight ever. Since August I've lost about 35 pounds. I can't believe how much confidence, joy, and energy it has given me. I've sort of hit a plateau now so I've started running. I ran Tuesday-Friday and just walked yesterday, Saturday. MY LEGS HURT SO BAD!! hahaha I guess it's a good thing but my goodness! I am really liking working out. Sometimes I still get worried about people watching me or staring and thinking "eeww...fat girl running" or something stupid like that, but I am getting over it. It takes time for confidence to grow but I must say it is growing each and everyday. I guess I hadn't realized how little confidence I had.

I now am smiling all the time. Ok there are moments when I'm not smiling but for the most part, I smile A LOT more now. Yesterday I ordered some food and was waiting for it up at the counter and my sister was looking at me and I made a funny face and stuck out my tongue. I know with you if there even is a reader out there don't know me but after I did it I thought to myself "why don't I do that more often?" Before I would never do something like that because, heaven forbid, someone might be offended or someone might think less of me. I can't believe I let thoughts like that over run my happiness and joy.

I really hope people start to realize what is inhibiting their happiness and joy, change those actions or thoughts, and change their life for the better. We all want to live better lives don't we? I know I do and I know I want better lives for everyone who is around me. If we want better lives for ourselves and others around us, charity, happiness, and a happier community comes about.

Think about how happy our country would be if we took care of ourselves first, then took care of others in need. If our communities are happier and healthier then our communities can help other communities to learn the same benefits. It would truly be a wonderful world if everyone wanted everyone else to be as happy as they were themselves.

Rain falling up.

Well yesterday after wanting to cry most of the day Scott turned my frown upside down. :-)

I was a little doubtful he could, but I can't help but smile when I'm with him. Well, and he promised to cheer me up so he achieved his goal.

So I've got a whole day ahead of me and I'm not quite sure what to do. Paint, play guitar, write, take dog for a walk, read, be lazy and watch tv, I'm not really sure. There are so many possibilities.

With all the possibilities we have with our days how is it that way can just sit down and cry out worthless? I don't know. But I do know that everyday I have is blessed and will not be taken for granted.

Teardrops raining on my soul.

This is one of those days, as being a girl, you just want to cry. Cry all day long but not tell anyone what is wrong because you're not exactly sure what is wrong. bleh. Ok whatever. I'm sure it just stupid girl emotions.