My First Of Hopefully Many Photoshoots!

This Saturday I got the privilege of taking photos of some of my beautiful cousins. This was the first photoshoot with actual people I've ever done and I think it went extremely well. I love being with family and taking pictures, so it was a more than perfect combination! Here are a few of my favorites!
This is my cousin Leah.

This is my Cousin Bree.

My beautiful cousin Amanda. I think this might be my favorite of the all. :)

This is Marissa!

This is the adorable Mia!

This is Allison!

This is the adorable Natalie!

This is Ryan and Kim! Such an adorable couple!

Ryan and Kim again! I love this photo!

Moments In Time, Captured

So I haven't written for a while....this has been the most trying month of my life, thus far. It's been so hard to get up and live each day with the void in my life, but I know that I can not let another's choices put my life at a standstill. For a very long time I have said that "Everyone makes their own choices and they must live with the consequences." I now know that it may be very hard to deal with those consequences but it must be done and I know it's better to deal with them now and to repent for your sins rather than wait until it's to late to realize what you've done and live eternity with a regret that will never fade. I have always lived my life with the intent to never hurt my family or friends. To live so they could be proud of my decisions, to live as my Father in Heaven would say "Yeah, That's my girl" with a smile on his face. I know for a fact I am not perfect but I thank God every single moment of the day and night that I have had the strength to live in that manner. No, my life has definitely NOT been perfect or even close, but I am now seeing that the little (and I mean no matter how little) blessings in my life are worth counting every day. If they weren't I might have given up by now. These little things are God letting me know that He is there and Yes there might be terrible things happening all around at this moment but He is still there for you, still caring for you. I guess this time in my life is teaching me and helping me learn to treasure the small things and not the laptop or camera that I hold so dear. Life is not about what I have or what I want. Life is not about myself nor is it about trivial things.
My life may be very difficult in some aspects right now but this is not the end and there is plenty to be grateful for, if I take the time to look. If you (whoever you are) read this please take the time to thank God for what you are grateful for. For what He has given you.

And now on to why I actually was going to post today. I went to an antique fair today at Pioneer's Village in my town Bakersfield, Ca and took some photographs and just wanted to share with ya'll.

I think by now you know I love photography and I happen to love taking photos of older cameras. :)


I am not sure why but these crosses just struck me as beautiful when I saw them so I snapped a picture of them and I'm quite pleased as to how it turned out.


Now this photo is not photoshopped or anything to the effect. I don't have photoshop but I wish I did. Anyways this is a picture of the inside of the "Undertakers Shop" at Pioneer Village and in the upper left hand corner is a wooden casket that had a pretty small opening in it for viewing the body. You can actually see the little lid on the floor next to it. But what is Awesome is the reflection that is seemingly burning into the photo from the small opening from the casket. And can you see the hand that is coming out from the cloth draped over the other casket that is up against the left wall? Crazy!!! haha :) Can you hear the spooky music yet? And yes I know it's probably just reflections off of glass. Just have some fun with it. *Click on the photo to make it larger!*


If anyone has been to Bakersfield...or Kern County for that matter they can see with their own eyes that, here, we are big on oil fields. So naturally they have some oil field equipment at the museum, and well, I didn't read what is was, I just started taking pictures of them..kind of happens a lot with me but I still just love these.




This is inside the super old oil driller thingy mabob that's on the grounds. It's just the light shining in from outside but it makes me smile. And it helps me remember to let the light shine in.

I Pray I'm Living In A Terrible Alternate Universe

Today was the worst day of my life thus far. Everything has fallen apart. The only thing that gives me hope is my Father is Heaven and my Mom and Sister. I am terrified of what is to come and I am still having a hard time coming to terms with what has been presented. It is so hard to face these fears I never thought I would have to face again. The person I thought I knew is now lost, I fear forever. God, please give the ones I love and myself some comfort and guidance. God, please help mend my heart for it is falling to pieces. God, please help the angry and hurt forgive.

A Troubled Mind, An Open Heart

Recently I've been unsure on what to write. Unsure of what I should say on here and unsure of myself, well, pretty much unsure of everything. It's become one of those times in my life where I just feel like giving up because everything is getting just so hard. This is one of those times I feel myself slipping, know it's happening (obviously!!), but have yet to do anything about it. I need to suck it up and just make myself feel better. I know one of the issues buggin me is that I have pretty much zero spending money, but that should not or ever rule my happiness! EVER! People get by on so much less that I have it's not even funny and I get all down and want to cry because I can't afford to go out and buy a soda when I want one. I had a thought today that if a billionaire paid off all my bills and left me with a little money to help me, would I even be happy then? I think if someone instantly paid off all my bills I wouldn't learn my lesson. I am so used to giving myself the glitters in life that the natural light that appears with Gods loves is being look over. I need to remember the warmth and love I felt when I walked around on temple square. I want my whole life to feel that way but it only can when I let it happen. My cousin posted on her facebook page today "Faith, it's when you close your eyes and open your heart." I need to do that pretty much last year, yet I still can't bring myself to find it in me to reach that spiritual ledge and jump! I want to go to college so bad. I want to do something with my life that I can be proud of and that my family and friends can be proud of but most importantly that my Lord can be proud of. Right now if he evaluated my life I think he would bow his head and shed a tear. I know he is always there for me and ready for me to invite him in. The invitation is signed, sealed, but certainly not delivered. Oh these times we live in are hard but rewarding for the few that choose to follow. I need to follow the light in this ever darkening world. Okay, that's enough of self pity for now. Today is a new day...after I get some sleep and I will use it for His will not my own.

Whoever Said Money Can Not Buy Happiness.

So I was watching "Selling New York" and they were talking about how this ONE property was RENTING for $30,000 and I started thinking about if I had enough money to actually spend it on just rent each month or what I would actually do with it. Right now I can hardly even imagine considering I am making about $1000 a month and pretty much every single cent is going to my bills, BUT I've been wanting SO badly to contribute to the community or something to that effect. Right now I have been volunteering at CHP in their clerical office. Not much to change the world but I guess it is something to help my community. But anyways, I'm getting off topic...back to the "If I had a billion dollars thing"... I was sitting there thinking and I decided that IF I EVER had enough money to share the wealth I would want to help less fortunate children. Not in the way of I want to make sure they have nice things so they can fit in with others sort of helping, but helping in the way of sending children and teens to music camps, helping provide books so children can develop imaginations, funding art for schools, helping single parents who can only just get by, I would love to help people who can't afford to go to college (just like me), help keep sports programs in schools, and I'm sure there is a ton more I would want to do but I can't think of at the moment. Could you imagine if all those people who could afford to pay $30,000 a MONTH for rent, rented just a little bit smaller homes and helped out people who actually need it? I couldn't imagine how many people they could help. A lot of people, like myself, live on less than $30,000 a year and some people spend it a month JUST on RENT! How much else to they spend on just STUFF! I can't even afford to buy bread...or pretty much anything else for that matter after I pay my bills...which are behind...*eep*...anyways...just something to be thinking about. "Charity Never Faileth" I love that motto. I wish everyone believed it. Next time just remember a little help can go a long way and sometime you may need it yourself and if you never give then how can you expect to receive.

Oh and here is a charity I would LOVE to donate to but can't afford. It's called Kids Need To Read www.kidsneedtoread.org Check it out!

Unnerving Fear

So everything and I mean everything lately has been telling me that I need to put my life into the Lords hands. I need to start paying my tithing even when I can't afford to pay all of my bills. I need to always have a prayer in my heart, always have my aim towards my Savior and Lord. I was just having a quick chat with a really good friend and he sent me a link to an article that said just that. Put your life with the Lord.
I was tearing apart my room the other day trying to find some stuff I had written when I found something else I hadn't realized I had scribbled down quite a long time ago. It wasn't written very well but it still had the same effect on my soul. I don't remember writing it but it's in my handwriting and in my notebook, so I guess it's just something that poured out of me in one of my moments when things go foggy and I write without realizing.

Living with my eyes shut
Sleeping with them open
These nightmares I'm avoiding
Are waiting patiently
I turn my back to run
More nightmares are always waiting
Turning in circles
No where to go
I fall to my knees
Turn toward the Heavens
There you are, waiting.
I start to cry
You reach down and hold me
I ask "Where were you?"
He says "I've been here the whole time,
Waiting for you to remember."
I ask "Remember What?"
He says "That I know those nightmares
And have seen them too, but they're not real.
I am."

After I read what I had written my head was almost spinning. It was exactly what I needed to hear, needed to know. It's amazing how I could have written this so long ago, it not having very much meaning then, but when I am drowning in fear, holding back my screams and tears, my own words are found to comfort me. God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. How can things not go right when you put everything in His hands? A friend of mine was recently having issues and she told me "There are so many things I regret and they just hang over me and never go away." What she said got me thinking. Heavenly Father does not want us to regret anything so that it stays with us and inhibits us from progressing. If we regret our past decisions and never move on, we never continue to learn and progress spiritually. We need to take what we are dealt and make the best of it. Learn from our past mistakes to make right choices in the future. If we don't learn from the past then how can we expect any kind of future to be before us? Regret nothing because your triumphs and failures make you who you are and who you will become. Put your life into the hands of the Lord and invite him into your life, always, not only when you need him.

Forever a glimpse.

So it's time again to update with some pictures! Here are a few of some recent pictures I have taken! Hope you enjoy!

Translated Musical Visions

Ok. So my friend Adam Watts is an awesome lyricist and musician. I mean brilliant. He was asked by Cornelia Funke's publisher to write a song for the release of her brand new book "Reckless". She is the author of the Ink Series, The Thief Lord, and many more best sellers. This new book is about a boy who has to figure out how to save his brother from a land that lays beyond this world. He has to figure out how to go through a mirror and save his brother before his brother turns into a monster in this other world.

Adam will be accompanying Cornelia in September on her US tour in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and Seattle playing this song and I'm sure a few others from his upcoming album entitled "Murder Yesterday" which is due to be release the same month.

The video is Adam Watts' and Daniel Chesnut's creation. They decided to film it on a whim and took what they had and created something beautiful. The adorable kiddo is Adam's niece, Grace. I've met her and she is so adorable and so dramatic. I think she actually does amazing in this music video. And she loves the camera...you can just tell.

So click the link and enjoy.

http://vimeo.com/12839095

One Man's Action Can Kill Many.

So I found out today that my Mother, who is working for the state of California, will now be making minimum wage. Federal minimum wage. That is $7.25 an hour or 1160 a month. That is before taxes. So she will probably brink home $800 if she is lucky. That doesn't even cover the house payment, let alone paying for car insurance, utilities, feeding herself or the two dogs she has. Not to mention I was laid off from my job almost a year ago and still have yet to find a job. I at least have unemployment but that just barely covers my expenses. I can not comprehend why it is so difficult for legislature to pass a budget. Why they need to cater towards masses to make themselves look good so, heaven forbid just in case, they might make it beyond the state legislature into something federal. Why wouldn't they want to be remember as the state legislature that stood up against the governor and told him where to stick it while letting the lowly state employees that were already scraping by making no head room and living paycheck to paycheck get by. Why is it that the state of california needs to put this mask on and pretend everything is ok when they are forcing thousands upon thousands of workers, parents, single parents, families, and children out of their homes to be hungry and out of options like a third world country. Pretty soon california is going to be a run down and unforgiving place of crime, fear, dying children, broken families, and completely unmanageable because of the decisions the governor. Isn't the governor the person that is suppose to look after the well-being of the outlined space to be governed? I guess these are just the thoughts of a scared, pretty much uneducated young woman. But, is it truly so hard to put the well-being of the citizens above the budget that is so unmanageable in the first place? Sure the governor isn't at all going to be affected. He is not being paid for his job. He already has millions upon millions. Lives lavishly with no wants. While families like mine live to get by, not able to get ahead. I am not sure what our family will do let alone my cousin who has a wife with four small daughters to support as well. Does the governor not think of the lives that might be lost because of a decision like this? I know all to well what money matters can do to the mind. My Great-Grandfather committed suicide because of the depression and his lack of ability to support his family. Will a man in office ruining the lives of many, not have the same effect on the mental stability of the state he is supposed to care for? These may just be ramblings, but it is how someone at the bottom feels.

The Ending, So Lets Begin.

So yesterday I became single and also realized that I am ready for a new beginning. I am going to start loving myself more, living every moment, being even more confident, and learning everything I can. I'm excited for what the new start will bring and what good I can bring about in the world when I actually try. Ok, going to my best friends house now. Yay for new beginnings!

I can see the light through sheer terror

Ok. I'm feeling a little better. I've definitely thought over quite a few things over the past two days but all of them lead to one thing. That one thing is going to be extremely hard to do but I do know it's for the best. Even though it's for the best doesn't make it any easier. I've never had to do this but I know it's going to be extremely hard. Oh gosh this is going to be hard.

The pain of an unforgiving world.

I have so many decisions to make. So many thoughts going through my head. My heart is breaking. I feel as if I'm falling apart. Being pulled in a billion directions. Even now as I type this I feel like just falling apart and crying. I haven't felt despair in a long time. Despair. The absence of hope. I haven't felt this in a long time. Deep down I know I have everything to hope for. I really do have everything to hope for. I know I have fears and I am trying to fight through. I am trying to fight as hard as I can. I deserve the world. I deserve to give myself the world. It seems I have forgotten. I've forgotten the love I deserve. I am worthy of that love. I need to remember what I'm worth.

It seems this world continues even when my heart stops.
The breaths I'm taking are toxic to my soul.
Feeding my fears and ripping me down.
I'm screaming inside and no one else can hear.
I'm falling down not sure if I can rise.
All hope is fading from my eyes.
Do you hear my cries.

Petrified Soul

Have you ever awoke with such a fright that you're unable to move or even breath but there really isn't anything there actually to harm you but you still can't bring yourself to risk it? I think I did that about 4 times tonight and I only went to bed at 2 AM...so in the last 2 1/2 hours. To make matters worse when I was sleeping which wasn't much, I was to terrified to sleep in my dreams. I don't exactly know what was terrifying me in my dreams but I have not been so terrified in such a long time. I mean, I remember being that terrified when I was at a small age...I still can't remember what I was so terrified from, though. What I do remember is distinct shadows walking about. I remember the feeling and the knowing that something or someone wanted to show itself. I had that feeling as well tonight. Like some force kept pulling me in a billion directions. In my dreams I never slept, I just wandered the house terrified of what I would see. At some points I even wanted to scream in terror but didn't because it might hear me. I had that distinct feeling tonight that has been long lost from my childhood. I had that distinct feeling tonight that has been pushed so far deep it has caused me to forget. The distinct feeling that I was being watched, very closely. How could I be petrified to my soul afraid to move and breath whilst my dog lay at the foot of the bed perfectly calm. Now as the sun rises, may my fears fall with the moon for I have a quest at hand. A quest put forth by a need to feel, a need to fill the gaps in my memory. A quest to find why I am truly terrified. A quest to find what wants to show itself. What have I been hiding from the world. What have I been hiding from myself. What have I buried deep within.

A beautiful glimpse of the world.

So I've starten taking A LOT of photos. So, I figured I would upload some of my favorites here! Lucky you! :) Anyways, have fun looking!

Lyrics to reflect my soul.

So I am friends with this singer/songwriter who writes for some pretty big names. He is uber awesome and one of the nicest and giving guys I've ever met. He was the lead singer of my favorite band that just recently broke up. (tears :-'( ::sniff sniff::) But he has started to do his solo thing again which is pretty awesome too. The other day he actually sent me some of his *new* music. Wow. I can't stop listening to it. The first song I know what his inspiration was and it is so....so fitting. Absolutely beautiful. I hate being so cryptic but with him being so...well known...I never know what he has going into a movie or what is being submitted. I promised to never send out the music he sends me, and I will not break that promise. I really wish I could post the music. People really need to hear what he has to say with HIS music and how amazing it actually is. These latest two songs he has sent me are the kind where you can lay on your bed, and just lose yourself in the music and lyrics. Lose yourself in the images that come to mind. Lose yourself in the realization of how true his words are and how they should be cherished. I couldn't imagine having the amazing and creative mind he has.

I really cherish music more than a lot of people could imagine and when I hear music that is so pure it puts my soul at ease; because you know when someone has a talent just as he does, it could only have come from God.

So....I lied.

Ok, so I may have lied when I said I was going to write everyday. Hmm...ok I guess there is no way around it. I lied.

Anyways.....

I've finished school....I'm STILL looking for a job. Applying everywhere I can. There really isn't much out there for a bookkeeper right now. But I hope I'll find something soon. Really, really soon. I'm sort of bored. Like, I could sleep all day bored. That is never good. I should start writing, painting, and drawing again...I haven't done much of it lately. I think being bored has made me a little more lazy. Well, I have been running almost everyday. I've kind of slowed down on losing weight so I've started working out more. Can't exactly see a difference yet but I'm sure I will soon. You can't go running almost everyday and not lose weight....at least I hope. :-)

Last night I got an e-mail from a friend that is an amazing musician and he was just checking in and he sent me two of his *new* songs today. They're amazing. AMAZING. One actually came at exactly the right time. I have been feeling pretty depressed lately, quite unhappy, and somewhat paranoid. The lyrics are beautiful and soul touching. I sure hope he puts out a CD so everyone can hear the amazing message.

Okie doke I'm going to read so I can finish the book. :-)

Until we meet again.

Tears from an overflowing ocean.

So I feel like crying. All my life when I would start talking people would talk over me. So I pretty much stopped talking even when I had something to say. I just figured they didn't want to know what I was talking about, didn't want to know what I had to say, didn't care what I had to say. It always kind of made me mad but I tried to get over it. I tried to not care. It really is hard not to care when it's your family talking over you. It's especially hard to not care when it's someone you really care about and you think he cares about you. I know he cares about me. This is dumb to feel sad and unwanted because of this but sometime you can't help it. Sometimes you just can't. Ugh...I need to. Stupid girl emotions.

My View Of Your Screams

Ok, so my boyfriend read me a snippet of what he wrote last night and it got me thinking of what the same kind of thoughts would be like in the form of a poem. So the words are my own but the idea is his. I don't know....I sort of like it because it reminds me of me...but then I also kind of think it could be written better. Oh well...here it is.

"I See Your Screams"

Eyes shut, Dreams of nightmares
Visions of departed souls
The fear I face no one sees
You sleep and no one knows
No one knows but me.

My sleepless nights, my open eyes.
Ever waiting thoughts and dreams.
Ever waiting screams and cries.
All the same situations and themes
I can't take this for very long.

Eyes shut, Dreams of nightmares
Visions of departed souls
The fear I face no one sees
You sleep and no one knows
No one knows but me.

No end in sight, No cure to find.
A cruel joke, no ones laughing
This poisoned soul is only mine.
What you don't know is haunting
Your silent screams are a sign.

Eyes shut, Dreams of nightmares
Visions of departed souls
The fear I face no one sees
You sleep and no one knows
No one knows but me.

This illness captures every fear
The fear you feel, but I see.
The fearful visions that I hear
No one knows, no one knows but me.

Eyes shut, Dreams of nightmares
Visions of departed souls
The fear I face no one sees
You sleep and no one knows
No one knows but me.

Written by me. :-)

The Bliss of The Unknown.

Well, I haven't posted in a while. I told you I wouldn't remember to post everyday...
Well I am again not sure what I want to post about. I just figured I should. I highly doubt anyone reads what I write but....I know no one is following me...haha I guess I actually don't care. I've been pretty sick lately. It started with strep throat...but now I'm very tired all the time and very weak. I can't bring myself to eat very much...that is good in the weight loss department but not great in the health department. So since August 21 I've lost almost 45 pounds. Pretty awesome I think..well some is also from the lack of food..:-/ I've got myself a boyfriend now...:-) He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He loves me...for me. I feel like I can tell him anything. He makes the world disappear, especially when he kisses me. When I'm feeling down he brings me back up. Just thinking about him makes me smile. Last night he sort of got upset with me...I was trying to clean up after some of our friends left and he didn't want me to clean up anything because I was a guest in his home...and I'm sick. At first I wasn't sure if he was serious, but he was. I'm not used to being catered to...I'm used to taking orders...not making decisions...but this is something I am definitely working on. I have been working on these VERY hard lately. That is probably why I have been so happy lately. Well I'm super tired. So I think I'll leave it at that. Well. Good night. Sweet Dreams. Live YOUR Life. Laugh. Dream Big or Wake Up. Be Yourself. Love Yourself Then Love Others.

That feeling of unforgiving sadness

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I was completely fine until I came home after eating dinner with my family.

I have that feeling of I just want to lay down and cry. Sort of like I'm already crying inside but am to afraid to cry on the outside. I know I fear that if someone asks why I'm crying, I won't be able to give them an answer. I'm also afraid of just telling someone why I'm sad, for fear they will not listen. All these fears can't live in a happy world. I'm crying, but when I touch my face it's dry. The hurt I feel inside has secret unknown origins. Even to me.

Umm...What?

So I haven't written in a while...seems like forever, actually. So I'm trying to get healthy. I'm pretty over-weight so I have started to make different choices. When I got laid off in August I was pretty much at my highest weight ever. Since August I've lost about 35 pounds. I can't believe how much confidence, joy, and energy it has given me. I've sort of hit a plateau now so I've started running. I ran Tuesday-Friday and just walked yesterday, Saturday. MY LEGS HURT SO BAD!! hahaha I guess it's a good thing but my goodness! I am really liking working out. Sometimes I still get worried about people watching me or staring and thinking "eeww...fat girl running" or something stupid like that, but I am getting over it. It takes time for confidence to grow but I must say it is growing each and everyday. I guess I hadn't realized how little confidence I had.

I now am smiling all the time. Ok there are moments when I'm not smiling but for the most part, I smile A LOT more now. Yesterday I ordered some food and was waiting for it up at the counter and my sister was looking at me and I made a funny face and stuck out my tongue. I know with you if there even is a reader out there don't know me but after I did it I thought to myself "why don't I do that more often?" Before I would never do something like that because, heaven forbid, someone might be offended or someone might think less of me. I can't believe I let thoughts like that over run my happiness and joy.

I really hope people start to realize what is inhibiting their happiness and joy, change those actions or thoughts, and change their life for the better. We all want to live better lives don't we? I know I do and I know I want better lives for everyone who is around me. If we want better lives for ourselves and others around us, charity, happiness, and a happier community comes about.

Think about how happy our country would be if we took care of ourselves first, then took care of others in need. If our communities are happier and healthier then our communities can help other communities to learn the same benefits. It would truly be a wonderful world if everyone wanted everyone else to be as happy as they were themselves.

Rain falling up.

Well yesterday after wanting to cry most of the day Scott turned my frown upside down. :-)

I was a little doubtful he could, but I can't help but smile when I'm with him. Well, and he promised to cheer me up so he achieved his goal.

So I've got a whole day ahead of me and I'm not quite sure what to do. Paint, play guitar, write, take dog for a walk, read, be lazy and watch tv, I'm not really sure. There are so many possibilities.

With all the possibilities we have with our days how is it that way can just sit down and cry out worthless? I don't know. But I do know that everyday I have is blessed and will not be taken for granted.

Teardrops raining on my soul.

This is one of those days, as being a girl, you just want to cry. Cry all day long but not tell anyone what is wrong because you're not exactly sure what is wrong. bleh. Ok whatever. I'm sure it just stupid girl emotions.

Visions of the obvious.

So this weekend I went down to visit my friend Jenn in Morro Bay. Had a grand ole time, well, probably to much fun. We went out to eat Saturday night and then after eating some pretty great but SUPER garlicky pasta we went and snooped around the Cayucus cemetery. That was pretty awesome. It was about 8 pm so it was completely dark outside, but it still wasn't scary at all. I took a bunch of photos while I was there too. Sunday we went into old town Morro Bay and saw a psychic. That was pretty interesting. She basically told me that I was in love right now but hadn't said it. But I would say it to him in six weeks. So I guess we will have to wait and see about that one. She told me that I was doing very well in school and that I would get a job soon. She told me I would get married have two miscarriages then have two children. She also told me that I was very sick and should seek a doctor quickly. Well, maybe when I have some health insurance...lol After the psychic, Jenn and I went to Cayucus cemetery again to take pictures in the sunlight and it was even more beautiful. Yes the pic posted is at Cayucus cemetery and yes I did take it. I LOVE the picture!!! After about an hour there we went to Cambria which is a cute tiny town. We walked around for a while and then went and ate a late lunch at an Italian restaurant. The food was great, but yet again pretty garlicky. Thank goodness I wasn't kissing anyone!! haha! After lunch, we walked up a HUGE hill to the Cambria cemetery. AWESOME!!! It was so old it had wooden tombstones! It was really pretty.



After we were done there we went back to her house and I left about 4:30 and got home about 7. The drive was beautiful and totally not even bad!

It was a great weekend and even better Sunday after I got home. Slow dancing to Dean Martin is romantic. And it gives me butterflies.

What a night.

Oh my goodness. Ok so last night what just a mixture of terrible, great, anxiety, and laughter. I went to CSUBs Homecoming dance. Ok I'm not a dancer, party, drinking type of person. At all. I don't like to be around people who drink. I really can't stand drunk people.

Well anyways I got ready in an extreme hurry because instead of having to be there at 11 we all of a sudden had to be there at 8. So anyways I got ready, and left with my friend Maria and we got there at like 8:15. I couldn't get in till 9 because well I couldn't. So I stood out there till 9 and then they let me in...I went and sat down for about 30 minutes, then Maria came and got me and we continued to do her job for about another 30 minutes, we then went outside and sat there for a little bit, this extremely drunk guy came up to Maria and I and was hitting on us...then another guy came up and started to do the same...then another guy...I was like WTF!!??!?! They guys wouldn't leave us alone. They kept going at it for about 20 minutes and then Maria's friend came and we were like "We've got to go inside now!!" And kind of ran inside the hotel and this one guy, get this, ACTUALLY RAN AFTER ME and was yelling the he "never regretted meeting me" and asking me to leave with him and that I would regret if I didn't leave with him. Can we say FREAK!!!!!!! We finally got away from them and went inside and Maria wanted to dance...I don't dance. haha. She thought that she could make me dance...but then realized that I WILL NOT dance..haha. So I wasn't having a very good time...and Maria was dancing with her friend. I was standing off to the side texting Scott...telling how I kind of wanted to die...haha. Needless to say, Scott came and picked me took me home I changed into some regular clothes and then we went to Dennys and I ate some hash browns..they were pretty dang good. Anyways Scott took me home and was just the best guy ever. Ok So that's all I will blab about for now. :-)

No matter how bad things get it can always get better. :-)

The Pounding on the inside..

So I just thought about writing in my blog...and my head started pounding. Not the "eh, I should skip and go to bed" but the "there is a jackhammer somewhere on the inside of my skull and it just turned on with that thought..." So here I am typing away and now I've got the beginnings of a terrible headache...haha.

It's sure funny how we do things no matter the consequences, isn't it?

I think to much about consequences and don't experience very much but from what I see most of the time the bad experiences are never fun. <--No duh huh?

I completely agree with the "Every action has a reaction" theory.

Just like now. If I sit here and continue to type this my headache will get worse...and it's getting worse. I sure wish all consequences exposed themselves so quickly. If so we could turn and run as quick as possible and live better lives but alas we must endure until the end and that is what makes life worth living I guess.

Ok...headache is terrible. Goodnight. Tylenol here I come!!!!!!

Umm...really I dunno.

Ok I don't really know why I did the last post but I really did write something profound. Pretty awesome huh? (Yes, I know I'm a dork...) I really do not know what to write today but I just wanted to update...

I did some writing yesterday...which....I already wrote about on here I just realized...oh well. But I shared it with a close friend..I've never done that before. Shared my work with anyone. Not ever..haha. I didn't want to at first but then just told myself "What the heck...all he can say is it sucks or something...it won't kill me!!" So I sent it to him and I think he liked it! Well, that's what he said at least. :) Well I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted...school is draining...haha. I also haven't eaten since 11 am...I somehow forgot to eat dinner...haha Whoops! Ok goodnight!!

Um....I dunno.

Something Profound.

California Dreamin'

So I had a crazy dream last night that kind of freaked me out but then I started thinking about it and piecing everything together. It's a really great opening to a novel. So I've started to write everything down and what not. Wrote about a page tonight which isn't very much but considering it was between making dinner (which was AMAZING by the way) watching tv, and messing around on facebook and other site isn't too bad. It feels great to write again. I haven't done it in so long I think I had started to forget the release it gives me. Okie doke. Well I'm uber tired and want to sleep....hopefully I have another crazy dream!!! That would be awesome! Goodnight!

Drawing a blank...

Hmm...I really don't know what to write.

Tonight was pretty disappointing. I thought I was going to go somewhere so I took a shower and did my hair and make up and nothing. No call, no message, nothing. I guess I'll be studying tonight.

There are always ups and downs I guess but it sure does suck when the downs happen. I guess it's ok when they do though because then how would I know the difference then something grand is happening.

I thank God everyday for my insight, even when it is something strange.

Ok. Off to study....by myself.

Nothing but Everything on my mind.

So I kind of told myself I would write here everyday. I know it won't happen because I do go out of town quite a bit, but I can at least try until that day comes. I did not set any goals like "every blog must be long" or "I must have a plot to every blog" I mean...what's the fun in that, right? Sometimes our thoughts really just don't have a plot. Kind of like when you were young and your mom would ask "What are you going to do today?" and you would say "Nothing." Fully meaning it at the moment but everyone knows there is no "nothing" we are always thinking something and doing something. Just like now, I kind of feel like I'm doing "nothing" but I'm actually doing something....it doesn't exactly have a point right now but it is something.

So I'm 23, I don't exactly know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am going to school to become a certified bookkeeper, but I don't see myself in an office for the rest of my life. I feel like I need to be doing something...better. I've always felt that God has this amazing purpose for me and I just have to find the blueprints but where do I start looking? I mean what if I am meant to be a writer and touch people with my words or a painter and make people contemplate the universe with my strokes. What if I am supposed to be an amazing actress but have never stepped foot in front of a camera? This is what goes on in my overly fill brain most of the time. Or is this guy I'm making out with going to be the father of my children? <--yeah that one made me laugh right then...yeah it was a little awkward because then he was like why are you giggling? haha!! True Story.

I guess my days are full of unanswered questions that I am daily trying to piece together. One huge jigsaw puzzle that has so many pieces you don't even know where to begin. I have learned though that if you never pick up a piece and just get started then you just never get started and stay where you are....forever.... Right now I would NOT want that...living with my mom, no job, no money, no boyfriend, some friends...I mean who would want to be THAT stagnant. Not me. Hopefully not you either. Well if you do that's your own business but your life would pretty much suck. So there I told you. Now you know. :)

I guess it's always like people who look at my paintings and say "I don't know how you do it!!" And I always say "Well I started by picking up the paintbrush." If you never pick up the paintbrush how will you ever know the extent of your capabilities? I don't know about you but I would love to know all of what I'm capable of.

I never feel sorry for people who say "I just can't do it!" Because really, did they try very hard? Probably not. If you want something bad enough then you'll get it one way or another. That is how we humans are made. We want so we get. And that's not even meaning always tangible it's spiritual also.

Recently I've been meeting A LOT people who have been going after and getting all that they want. Yes, most of these people I have met through Fallborn, but it's also the guys of Fallborn. Take Adam for example, he had an amazing solo career as a Christian singer, he writes award winning songs, makes probably more money than I can imagine, yet still has the ability to turn, smile at me and give me hope about my little projects and dreams. Thursday night, I sat and spoke with Nic for a while just about nothing really and that alone just makes me smile because I was sitting by myself yet Nic came over to be to make conversation and keep me company just like a true friend would. I used to think that the people who get what they want take it at any cost but I now know that the ones that live with the light of Christ and share it with others yet still have the desire to go get what they want will get it because Christ will reward you for doing what is right.

I'm not quite sure why I drive 3 1/2 hours each way a few times a month to just see Fallborn play an hour long show but I think it's because they feel more like four new brothers that believe in me and don't think my dreams are too far fetched. Not to far fetched because they have reached their dreams. Maybe they makes me realize that I shouldn't be putting a cap on my dreams. If my dreams are unlimited, so are my possibilities. OooOOOoo I like that. Very good saying that I just came up with.

Well I'm going to stop there. Take what I just said and run with it.
I told you this is about nothing but everything.

Peace.

No time like the present!

Well, I've decided that I would start blogging. Actually for myself and not really anyone else. So if you read this, good for you but *gasp* I'm not expecting anyone to read it. So if there is something misspelled or the grammar is a little off I really don't care. To tell you the truth I will probably just say what's on my mind or a play by play of my day.

I've been experiencing A LOT of new and exciting stuff lately so I started thinking I should write them down....somewhere. So, that somewhere is here and if you don't like it leave. No really. :)

If I offend you somehow, I'm not going to apologize for what I say. I've done enough people pleasing in my life and I'm only 23. Right now at this moment I'm living for God and myself. What ever follows and happens as a result I'm happy to take. So far things have been pretty darn awesome and I hope they just get better.

So a little about where I am right now and how I got here.

So how I got here :

I was born, parents were divorced when I was four, my father was in prison for some time, I don't see him or that side of the family that often, always lived with my mother and she's the best, I've got one sister (older) and one brother (older), yup I'm the youngest, grew up most of my life in Bakersfield, Ca., went to public school until I was a junior in high school then I was home-schooled (not because I was a bad kid but because I hated being bored at school and wanted more of a challenge and the teachers in our school system kind of sucked.), I graduated early from high school, finished some college...didn't exactly dig it either, worked at Wienerschnitzel for a little over four years, was a travel agent for a little over two years, laid off from the travel company in August 2009, Ca is paying for me to become a certified bookkeeper (so far I'm loving school and should finish in April), September 2009 (my 23rd b-day) was the best birthday I'd ever had despite not having any money or job, my all-time favorite band is Fallborn, I've seen the play like 10 times since September 2009, I'm still looking for the love of my life, I'm a virgo, I hate fish, love watching cheesey romantic movies, I'm terrified of commitment, terrified of rejection, pretty insecure about my physical self, I've got a lot of opinions but rarely express them, I'm trying to be more outgoing AND outspoken every minute of my new found life, I love going to church, I am LDS (Mormon), I love Jesus and KNOW he is my savior, I love my family, I consider most of my friends my family, I love dogs...not so much cats, I hate milk but love soy milk,I love the sound of violins, I love making people smile, I love the rain probably more than a normal person probably should, "pretty" girls frighten me...so I get along with guys much better, I like getting dressed up but really am a jeans and t-shirt girl who would be fine with dressing up the jeans and t-shirt with pearls, I love doing artsy stuff, I love cooking, I absolutely LOVE music, I love writing, Don't really watch much tv but my favorite tv show is Chuck, I hate going to the theatre, I love sitting and watching movies with blankets in the dark, I hate fake people, love people who love Jesus, I try to live every day to make him proud, I mute commercials, I don't watch rated R movies, I don't use the Lord's name in vain, I don't curse, I dress modestly, I've never had a drop of alcohol, I've never smoked, never tried any type of drugs, I'm still a virgin and will be until I get married in one of God's temples, I've almost died from an illness, strangely I know famous people, I would love to try acting some time but never got around to it, I love the disney channel but think they give little girls the wrong idea of love and relationships, I think parents need to start paying attention to their children, I hate it when people judge each other, I hate it when people gossip, I hate it when people embellish the truth, I think way to much into things, day dream way to often, love to try new things, hate to fail, and I am learning to love myself for who I am.

Ok THAT is enough about me.

Some of that stuff I've never told anyone but probably should.
:-)